Despite my best efforts, I am getting older. The anti-wrinkle creams, the aerobics, the hair dye and the tummy-control girdle can only do so much. My muscles hurt, my hearing is shot, and I found a grey chin hair yesterday. All of this can be ignored, but nothing drove the point home more than when I sneezed and threw my back out last week.
Who would’ve thought a simple sneeze would be my undoing? Not me — I still think I’m as bulletproof as a bank vault. But as I was putting Andy to bed, I turned slightly and a rogue sneeze escaped, and as soon as it happened I was in trouble. “AAARRRRGGHHHH!!!” I screamed, as white-hot pain ripped across my lower back. I doubled over in agony, whimpering and gasping. I couldn’t stand up straight; lightning bolts of anguish raced down my legs. Eventually I crumpled to the floor, sniveling, where my husband Jeremy found me. Andy was patting my head slowly; “mama, want my banky?” he asked, sweetly offering me his favorite blanket. “Thanks, buddy,” I gasped, grabbing the drool encrusted fabric. Jeremy, after determining I wasn’t actively dying, gently rolled me down the hall and into bed, where I curled up like a beetle. “Should we go to the hospital?” he asked, concerned. The thought of spending six hours in a plastic chair while my back spasmed was unappealing. Thankfully, only my muscles were convulsing, not my spine or vertebrae. “I just need to rest,” I whispered. So much for bulletproof!
Mercifully, my body betrayed me on a Friday night, so Jeremy didn’t have to miss work while I recovered. He pulled double duty, shepherding the kids out of the bedroom so they couldn’t climb me like a jungle gym. A hot water bottle was my best friend, and I considered buying a bedpan. Logic prevailed, and I shuffled to the toilet like an arthritic elephant. I spent two days lying in bed, watching TV and feeling sorry for myself. Does anything get better with age? Certainly not me — I’m not a fine wine!
Slowly, my back started feeling better. By Monday, when Jeremy returned to work, I was able to crawl up the stairs and mostly function. Let’s just say the kids watched a LOT of TV that week. I’m mostly recovered now; my lower back still twinges sometimes, and I’ve had to simplify my exercise routine (boo hoo), but I feel much better. The one good thing that came of this? For the first time in six years, I spent the weekend in bed!
