My sister Emma called me on the phone recently, and we tried to have a conversation. Tragically, all four of our children were awake at the time. Here’s a transcript of our attempt.
Me “Hey, how’s it going?”
Emma “Well, I’m alive. How are you?”
Me “Terrible. Andy (my two-year-old) learned how to climb onto the kitchen counter. I caught him in the spice rack eating garlic powder.”
Emma “Terrific.”
Me “His breath could strip paint off walls.”
Emma “Where do you keep the liquor?”
Me “On top of the fridge.”
Emma “Move it. Either drink it all or hide it in the garage. That’s what he’ll go for next.”
Me “Got it. Did you need something?”
Emma “Yeah, do you have that recipe for……. spit it out right now!”
Me “The recipe for what?”
Emma “Wait, sorry, Leo (her three-year-old son) has a dime in his mouth, which is weird because I lost a dollar yesterday.”
Me “God knows where you’ll find the other ninety cents.”
Emma “That kid’s gonna be pooping out coins like a slot machine.”
Me “You needed a recipe?”
Emma “Yeah, that recipe for the baked onion rice?”
Me: “Oh, that’s easy. It’s just one cup of rice, then you (high-pitched squeaking in the background) What are you doing? What does that sound mean? Are you in pain?”
Emma “What’s happening?”
Me (Muffled sounds, followed by more squeaking) “Molly (my five-year-old) says she’s a mouse, and she’s eating a dried pea off the floor. We haven’t had peas in weeks.”
Emma “I don’t know how to respond to that.”
Me “At least she’s cleaning the floor?”
Emma “The recipe? For the rice?”
Me “Right, yeah, so it’s one cup of rice, and then you…… no wait, first you melt some butter in the microwave, then pour it over the rice……”
Emma “How much butter?”
Me “A cup.”
Emma “A cup of butter?”
Me “No! Wait, no, that’s too much butter. Sorry, Andy was sidling up to the stove. He’s eyeing it like it’s Mount Everest. Melt two tablespoons of butter, then pour over one cup of rice.”
Emma “Got it.”
Me “Then add two cups of boiling water…”
Emma “Water that’s boiling? Or just hot water?”
Me (Annoyed) “What? Put two cups of water in the kettle, then once it’s boiled pour it on the rice.”
Emma “Oh, okay. Hold on, Alice (her six-year-old daughter) wants to say hi.”
Alice “Hi Auntie Sarah! I got a new dress today, and it’s beeeyotiful. It’s pink with sparkles and it’s a princess dress because I’m a princess. Do you have any princess dresses?”
Me “I don’t think so! Next time you come over, I’ll show you my dresses and you tell me what you think, okay? Can you put your mom back on?”
Alice “Okay!” (a loud clunk, followed by Emma sighing)
Emma “She dropped my phone on the floor. Where were we?”
Me “I think we were at water on the rice. Okay, so then you….. OH MY GOD, GET OFF THE COUNTER!”
Emma “What? Is the baby on the counter again?”
Me “No, the dog is. How did that even happen? Hang on, let me get him down. (Awkward grunting and shuffling) Right, so then you…….. wait, where’s Andy? (The sound of glass breaking is heard in the distance) “Oh crap, he’s in the China cabinet! I’ll email you the recipe!”
