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My advice is to not make a huge deal of this one fight. Odds are that by the time Michael is in his thirties, he won't remember the girl he and Lawrence fought over nor the fight itself. That's not to say that you shouldn't make sure that he knows violence isn't the answer; you want to nip that in the bud because you want Lizzie and any children you might have in the future to believe that people can handle their disputes peaceably.

Paul J, Saint John, NB

hmmm Very good question... boys are a flash in the pan fists flying and it is all done in a few minutes to hours...girls stew and stress and stew some more making things way out of proportion... I dont think you over reacted at all... I think that John should talk to Mike and let him know that true friends speak with their words not their fists and then let it go as the more of a big deal that is made the worse it could become... I have 2 girls and 2 boys and I far prefer raising boys... they get over things so fast... I hope all this made sense... lol.....

Cindy, Maple Ridge, BC

Dear Elly,

With respect to your letter topic: It's not uncommon for kids to get into fights, but this incident between Michael and his friend Lawrence should alert you to a few things.

You and your son seem to have problems communicating. You said he would not tell you his side of the story. You had to get your information about the fight from the other boy's mother. Your son needs to know that he can come to you, no matter what, and tell the truth. He is only 5 years old. Imagine what he will be like when he is older if you cannot establish the trust with him now. It is important to establish those lines of communication early.

When you asked if you are taking a minor incident too seriously, what I noticed about your letter is that you did not write that your son was disciplined in any way or even told what he did was wrong. That sounds like you might not be taking the incident seriously enough. In know from experiences with my own son, schools have very little tolerance for violence or bullying. Your son must be told in no uncertain terms that violence will not be tolerated.

From what you have written, your husband wants to ignore the fight because neither boy was hurt and they have made up. This shows a surprising lack of consideration for the other boy's mother. She is clearly concerned, and her son was disturbed by the fight, or she would not have found out about it or reported it to you in the first place. If she cannot trust her son's safety around your son, you may find that she will no longer permit her son to be around your son without supervision.

Is there a history of violence with your son? You said in your letter, "The few disputes they've had in the past have always been settled with words." Ask yourself if this is really true? The things that lead to physical violence rarely happen overnight. Have you caught your son in violent or destructive acts against his other friends, his siblings, his pets, the mail person, objects in your house or your husband? Has Michael hit another child? Has Michael hit a sibling? If the answer is yes, then your child may have anger issues.

My son had some anger issues, which my wife and I discovered were related to his Asperger's Syndrome. Once he started receiving physical therapy treatment for it, things improved considerably. I don't know if your son has Asperger's Syndrome; but I recommend that you talk to your son to see if you can find out the reason for his anger and don't be afraid of using health professionals to help you. Also, you must let him know that violence against others is not to be tolerated immediately after it happens, and he should receive some punishment for it to reinforce the idea that it is wrong. Lastly, you need to establish trust between you and your son. After all, you don't want him to move out of the house and only talk to you when he wants money. Imagine how you would feel if he got married and didn't tell you until after the wedding was over.

Paul S, Oro Valley, Arizona

Well, boys do fight sometimes and I cannot say that I find it shocking. They are equipped by culture and genetics to do this. Fortunately, until they are pretty big they do not have much capacity to hurt each other.

My oldest son was a pretty reasonable and peaceful guy but he did whack bullies a couple of times and I cannot say that I disapproved. Some violence is necessary in the right circumstances to defend human and personal rights. My youngest boy never had the problem because he was so big that no one wanted to take him on. He likes everybody and never had any problems.

Adolescence is another matter. For some reason that I do not understand to this day, I had two or three fights a week for about three months when I was 12 years old. I took on guys much bigger than I was and got thumped regularly. I guess I quit when I just found some other pastime!

If fights are frequent, it indicates that the child is angry for some reason probably not connected to school or other children. Discord, abuse, or insecurity at home perhaps? Whatever the cause,it should be addressed.

As much as some parents might like it, perfect peace among children is not likely to occur.

Steve, San Diego, CA

How lovely to see that Michael had a crush on his future wife, Deanna Sobinski, waaaaay back in grade school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had no idea he'd loved her for such a long time!

Barri, Virginia Beach