"I give! I give!" The boy bucked under Candace's pummelling fists, his eyes and nose running with the gusty sobs jerking out of him. "I'm sorry, OK? Lemme up -"

There was a teacher hurrying toward them across the playground. Whether Candace liked it or not, time was running out on the fight. She gave her whining opponent one last poke before she pulled herself off him and jumped to her feet. The ring of wide-eyed children around them hastily retreated a few steps. She cast a swift glare over them.

"Anyone else got anything to say about my clothes? No? You sure?" She advanced on a boy who had been among the loudest hecklers. "I thought I heard your big mouth flapping, Darren."

"Candace Halloran, that is enough! You come to the Principal's office with me right now." Flushed and grim, the teacher caught her by the arm and hurried her off toward the school.

"What about Jason?" Candace glowered as she was marched along. "Why isn't he going to the Principal too? He started it! He called me - "

"It doesn't matter what he called you. You hit him first. I saw it." The teacher frowned down at her. "You know the school doesn't tolerate violence on the playground and this is the third fight you've been in this month. What is the matter with you?"

"Nuthin." Candace blinked away the tears that were threatening and pressed her lips tight shut. She kept them that way throughout the long, unpleasant talk with the principal that followed, answering his stern questions with shrugs and grunts. It wouldn't do any good if she did try to explain. No matter what other kids did to her, how much they sneered or hassled or bugged her, she always ended up as the one who took the blame. Life just wasn't fair.

As the principal yapped about rules of conduct and expected behaviour and the usual boring stuff, Candace stared at her shoes and wondered what her mom was doing right now. When Candace had left the house that morning, her mom wasn't even dressed, wasn't doing anything to get ready for work. She was just sitting at the kitchen table looking miserable. Candace's father had banged out the door an hour before, and her mom had been silent and still since then. Candace had had to get ready for school herself. There hadn't been any clean clothes in her drawer, so she'd done the best she could from the laundry hamper. It wasn't her fault she hadn't noticed the rip in her pants.

"Candace! Are you listening to anything I'm saying?" The principal glared at her in exasperation. Candace stared at him a long moment, then shrugged.

He sighed. "Fine. You have detention for the rest of the week. You will stay in the classroom and do homework for every recess and for an hour after school. And I'll be calling your parents to come in and discuss your problem with fighting." He stared at her hard ... like that was a threat she should be worried about.

Candace burst out laughing.

It was just too funny to think of him complaining to her parents about her fighting, when that was all they ever did themselves.

Candace hated hearing her parents argue; the endless yelling that filled too many evenings. Sooner or later, one of them would say something about how she had ruined their lives by being born. Not that they put it quite like that, but she knew what they meant. If her mom hadn't been pregnant with her, they wouldn't have had to quit school and get married. They probably wouldn't have married at all. They didn't seem to like each other much. She sometimes wondered how they'd ever gotten together long enough to make her, when they couldn't stand each other now.

Her parents had separated twice already. When Candace was just three, her mother packed her up in a tearful rush and loaded the two of them on a bus to North Bay. For two weeks, they had lived in the little apartment back of the convenience store that her mom's sister Ruby owned.

Since Aunt Ruby was generous about letting her small niece sample the wares, Candace had thoroughly enjoyed their stay there. She didn't even mind her aunt teasing her about being a "Candy Monster". After she and her mom had returned home, though, the tension and fighting resumed. The only lingering effect of that brief, happy interlude was that her mom called her "Candy" for some time after.

Her dad had left once, too, for almost a month before he had returned surly and tight-lipped. It was just a matter of time before her parents split for good. The tension of waiting for the inevitable ate at her nerves like acid. Her dad said he had only come back because he didn't want to leave her. That made Candace feel even worse. It was her fault her parents had to get married. Now it was her fault they couldn't get away from each other.

It would have been way, way better if I'd never been born, she thought to herself; way better.

"Hey, Candace, wait up!" Two girls caught up to her in the hallway at the end of the day. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" She looked at them in surprise. Liz and Dawn were OK, less stuck-up than most of her classmates, but they'd never been her real friends.

"We heard that bully from Grade 4 was picking on you at recess, and that you got into a fight with him!" Their eyes were wide with shocked interest. "Did he hurt you?"

"Naw." Candace shrugged off her bruises. She didn't mind the ache. In some weird way they made her feel better, like hurting made her more alive. "He isn't so tough. Just because he's big, the creep figures he can get away with picking on younger kids. If someone stands up to him, he crumbles like toast."

"Oh." Dawn's giggle was edged with wonder. "I guess we were silly to worry about you. You can sure take care of yourself!"

Candace watched them walk away. With a shrug, she gathered up her books and headed for the detention room.

She never quite understood why she was so different from the other girls. She didn't think like them, didn't look like them, didn't care about the same things they did. When they fussed over their hair or their clothes, she couldn't even pretend to be interested. There were a lot bigger problems in the world to worry about.



She was considered weird, too, because she was quick to fight back when people picked on her. Sometimes, when she thought a fight was inevitable, she would go out of her way to push the other kid into it just for the sheer joy of pitched battle.

The other kids respected her toughness, but it made them wary of her as well. She didn't care. No way was she going to take crap or suck up to bullies just to fit in. In this world, if you didn't take care of yourself, you'd get walked over every time.

The autumn Candace entered Grade 6, her dad packed his things and moved out for good. It tore her apart when he sat down with her on her bed and asked her to go with him. It was hard to say no. Life would be easier, living with her dad. He was an uncomplicated, straightforward sort of person. But her mom needed her more. That left her with no real choice.

It was strange that her mom was so strong in some ways and so needy in others. Although she had dropped out of school in Grade 10 because of Candace, she had worked her way up to Assistant Manager in a big shoe store at the mall. Candace could see that the other staff respected her, and the boss thought she was great. Still her mom didn't have much self-confidence. She worried all the time about losing her job, and craved the approval of the people she admired; those who were cocky and confident and sometimes kind of mean.

As a result, Candace spent a lot of time trying, not always successfully, to keep her mother out of the hands of scam artists, fast-talking salesmen and good-looking jerks.

Much as she loved her mom, Candace was determined never to be like her. She wanted control of her own life, and was going to have it.

By Grade 6, Candace realized that fighting didn't earn respect any more. Only losers got into fights. The real power in school was with the cool kids, the popular ones who ruled the corridors.

It became an obsession with Candace to become one of them. Wearing the right clothes, having the right hair style, being popular with the right boys; was critical to getting the upper hand in the brutal power struggles of Junior High. Eager to see her daughter succeed in all the ways she had failed, her mom was willing to spend lavishly for Candace's clothes and hairstyles. It was one time when they really got along, whenever they went shopping together.



When one of the popular boys made a crass remark about her butt, Candace started dieting in earnest and took up smoking to help keep her weight down. That was cool too, and impressed the other kids in her class. It was great to stand on Smokers' Corner with the older boys after school and feel the envious eyes of her classmates on her.

With the right make-up, she looked old enough to lie convincingly about her age. It was frequently handy to be able to pass as over 16. For one thing, she could buy smokes for herself at the kind of stores that didn't check ID too closely. Even more importantly, it helped her get a job. It wasn't much, just stocking shelves in a local corner store, but at least she was putting away a few dollars every week. Not only did she intend to finish high school, but go to university too. Unlike her mother, she was going to have a career - one she liked and that would earn her respect as well as a good income. Education was another of the keys to independence and power.

Her mother was touchingly thrilled about Candace's ambitions. Regretful that she had never finished high school herself, she loved the idea of her daughter earning a university degree. She promised to pay Candace's tuition if she was accepted. Candace thanked her, but still kept saving every dollar she could. Her mom meant well, but money had a way of slipping through her fingers. Candace wasn't going to risk relying on her for anything that mattered.

That became doubly true after Luke came into their lives.

Candace detested her mom's new boyfriend. Over the years, she had developed a finely tuned creep-o-meter, and Luke sent it spiralling right off the charts. He was handsome, charming, and a skilful manipulator. Before Candace had time to realize what was going on, Luke and his quiet, surly son Craig had moved into their house. Luke was supposed to have some great job and bragged about what a success he was, but he never paid for anything that Candace could see. His excuse was that his money was all going into investments. He was going to be so rich someday, her mom would never have to work again. He talked about how much he wanted to give her the perfect life she deserved.

It was humiliating and infuriating that her mother fell for his line. She didn't seem to see what a slick liar Luke was. She just lapped up his big talk, paid for his beer, and sighed over how lucky she was to have found such a great guy.

Candace did her best to wise her mom up, but only managed to antagonize Luke. He was a dangerous enemy. Whenever the two of them clashed, he had the knack of making it look like it was all Candace's fault. He didn't hesitate to get physical either, torturing Candace with an arm twisted behind her back or vicious pinches when her mom wasn't looking.

Candace spent less and less time at home. She immersed herself in life at school and hung out at the mall or on Smokers' Corner afterward, going home only at dark when her options ran out.

Although she had become good friends with Dawn and Liz, she sometimes felt like she was a hundred years older than they were. With their happy, normal little families and sheltered worlds, they didn't have a clue what life was really like. She almost laughed aloud when she found out they envied her freedom and the way her mother never interfered in her life. They didn't realize that she could have used more motherly interference where Luke was concerned.

At least she had learned to do things for herself - unlike Liz and Dawn, who drove her nuts because they were so timid and passive. It was hard to talk them into trying anything new. Neither made an effort to grab control of her own life and go after what she wanted instead of waiting for someone else to make things happen. Liz, for example, had a crush on one of the guys in their class but was just sitting around wishing he would ask her out - and he, of course, was too chicken to make the first move.

Candace decided she needed to step in and show them how to have a little initiative.



Her attempts to help her friends didn't always work out perfectly, but at least she was trying. Sometimes she thought Lizzie and Dawn would just trudge along in their dull, safe little ruts forever if she didn't stir them up once in a while.





As time went on, Candace found Liz's relationship with Anthony interesting. They seemed to be close friends as well as romantically involved (off and on). In Candace's world, guys fell into one of two categories; buddies or date-worthy, never both. Dating involved a lot of strategy. A girl had to play guys with skill to keep them interested. No way would she ever relax and just be herself with any of the datable types. Any genuinely cool guy would dump her in a minute if she did.

Nor would she risk ruining her few good friendships by putting the moves on a boy who was a buddy - like Duane, her closest friend in the class. His family was even more screwed up than hers. It eased her mind to hear his stories of fighting parents and weird siblings. There was comfort in knowing she wasn't the only one with problems.

Going with a nice guy seemed to work surprisingly well for Liz, though. She was happier and had greater self-confidence whenever she and Anthony were together. Maybe there was something in dating nice guys after all.

Still, it didn't surprise her when Liz decided she wanted to break it off with Anthony.



It was pure impulse that led Candace to ask Anthony to the Halloween dance after Liz broke up with him. Not surprisingly, he accepted immediately. She was, after all, more "in" with the cool kids than he was. She only hoped he wouldn't be too embarrassingly grateful and over-eager to show her off at the dance.

To her annoyance, when the night came, Anthony had the nerve to act like their date was no big deal. He didn't even seem interested when she snuggled close in the slow dances. She had the crazy impression that he was more amused than aroused.

When a Grade 12 boy asked her to dance, Candace dumped Anthony without a second thought and spent the rest of the night flirting with the older guys. It was a relief when they responded with enthusiasm. She had begun to think she was losing her touch.

With her theory confirmed that nice guys weren't for her, Candace settled into enjoying herself with some of the not-so-nice ones.

The year flew by, with schoolwork a minor priority in her life. Getting herself established socially was much more important. She might be lowest on the pecking order at home, but at school she intended to be a force to be reckoned with.

When summer came, she was glad to accept full-time work at the store. Luke was beginning to grumble about how much money her mom spent on her. Knowing the influence he had, the odds were good that she would be a lot more dependent on her own income in the future.

She put in a lot of overtime through the summer, but was delighted to unexpectedly get the Friday of the August long weekend off. Normally holidays were a busy time at the store, but a leaking pipe forced the owner to close for a few days. With pleasure, Candace raced home to pack her beach bag. One of the older guys she hung with had scored his parents' car for the day and invited her to go to the lake with him and a couple of his friends. She hummed happily as she tried on the new bikini her mother had bought for her, turning this way and that to check out the effect in her bedroom mirror.

"Well, well. Our little girl is growing up. And doesn't she just know it."

Candace jerked around. Luke was standing in the doorway of her room. There had always been times when the way he looked at her gave her the creeps. Now the predatory gleam in his eyes made her skin go cold.

She grabbed her beach cover-up from the bed and clutched it to her. "What are you doing home? I thought you'd be at work."

"Sure you did." He ambled into the room. "That's why you decided to prance around the house half-naked. Yeah, right. You knew I was here." He pulled the cover-up out of her hands and stood staring down at her. It was all she could do not to cringe, but she had enough experience with bullies to know it would be a mistake to show any fear. With an effort, she stood her ground with an effort.

"I gotta say, you've grown some nice curves. Pretty hair, too." His hand reached out, stroked over her curls. "Yeah, you're getting to be a real little sexpot. I bet you give the boys a good time." His hand fisted in her hair and gave it a hard tug. "How many have you done? One, two? A dozen?"

Candace didn't move, but her mind was racing. The lamp on her bedside table had a heavy metal base. If she could grab it ... but Luke's body hemmed her close against the bed, and she knew from bitter experience how quick he could be.

"Dad?" The house door slammed. "You here? Hey, Dad! The car's making those weird noises again." Heavy footsteps moved uncertainly around the living room.

Craig. Thank God. Candace's breath slid out of her in a shudder of relief. Luke muttered a curse as he wheeled and strode out of the room.

The rumble of male voices faded down the hallway, Craig's whiny and irritable; Luke's a curt rumble. A door slammed again and silence fell. Waves of nausea, alternating hot and cold, washed over Candace. She sat down on the bed and dropped her head into her hands.

It took a while to get the trembling under control, but once she did, she grabbed her bag and almost ran out the door. She had lost all desire to flaunt her new bikini, but she was still going with the guys to the beach. No way was "Luke the Puke" going to ruin her day. She wouldn't give him that kind of control over her life.

The incident had had its effect, though. For the first time, she took no pleasure in the avid stares of strangers or the pick-up lines called out to her by the studs strutting their stuff on the beach. She had worked hard to be one of the "hot" girls and revelled in the social strength it gave her. Somehow, today, the power had turned to poison.

In defiance, she flirted boldly with the boys she was with. But when one of them told her she looked just like a popular big-haired TV star and reached out to stroke her curls, Candace smacked his hand away with a violence that surprised both of them.

"Geez, touchy! What's with you?" He made a show of shaking his wrist, letting it hang as though it were broken.

"Just keep your hands to yourself." Despite the heat of the day, her skin was prickling cold. Candace yanked on her cover-up. "I don't like being touched."

"Since when?" The boy laughed. "You've been coming on to every guy in Grade 12 all year. Now suddenly you're the Virgin Queen? Give me a break!"

The other boys grinned and exchanged knowing glances. Swift fury shook her.

"You want a break, jerk-face? Touch me again and you won't have to fake that broken arm. You'll have a real one to deal with."

She grabbed her sandals and bag and stalked off down the beach. The boys' laughter followed her.

She walked on and on, past the scattered clumps of families, shrieking children and couples stretched side by side as they basked in the summer sunshine. There was no point in going back. No way would she ask those guys for a ride home. It was doubtful they would agree if she did.

At the end of the beach Candace slipped into a washroom to change out of her bikini. Beyond the shady picnic area and the sparkling heat of the gravelled parking lot, a rustic mini-mall stretched along the exit road to the lake. Candace walked past a restaurant, convenience store and a sporting goods outlet until she came to the hairdresser's, its name in flowing letters: "Hair Today".

Candace stopped and stared at the sign. With a soft laugh, she turned and walked into the shop.



Getting her head shaved earned her a lot of stares, but it did what she had hoped. Guys didn't automatically assume she was easy any more. Best of all, Luke was repulsed by her new look. That alone made all the weird reactions worthwhile.

She still didn't trust him. Her mother worked late at the shoe store two days a week. Candace never went home until closing time. Maybe she was being paranoid and her mother's partner wasn't really a danger to her. But as Duane pointed out, "Being paranoid doesn't mean that someone isn't out to get you." She agreed. In the jungle, as she had once read, only the nervous survive.

That spring, Candace's sixteenth birthday was bittersweet. On the up side, it was one more milestone passed on the road to maturity and sweet independence from her screwed-up family. Unfortunately it reminded Luke that she was growing up. He offered to teach her to drive, and when she turned him down, became insistent. Candace didn't want to be alone with him in a car. But it was hard to come up with excuses that didn't upset her mother. Her mom still clung stubbornly to her fantasy that they were one big happy family. She insisted that Luke "just wants to be a good father to you" whenever Candace grumbled about him touching her too much.

When her real father called to wish her a happy birthday, Candace asked him for professional driving lessons as her present. It was, she congratulated herself, a stroke of brilliance. Even her deluded mother couldn't argue with the advantages of learning from the pros instead of Luke.

She sailed through the lessons and test with ease. Unfortunately, her shiny new driving license didn't give her the freedom she had hoped for. Despite the fact that her mom was the one paying for the car, Luke and Craig had first dibs on it. Candace considered it low of Craig to have taken a part-time job half-way across town. It made a great excuse for him to take the car to work. She suspected he was going a lot farther than just to his job.



The summer of 1997 was a difficult one. Candace took on two jobs, working in the store during the days and flipping burgers at nights. The appeal of being one of the popular girls had soured and partying bored her. All she could think of was the time when she could leave home and start a real life. She was tired of being the least important person in her family, the one everyone dumped on.

She was also fed up with having to dodge Luke. It seemed grossly unfair that an intruder was driving her out of her own home. Her mom protested that Luke and Craig were family now and she should have accepted the fact by this time. Candace wasn't buying it. If what they had was a family, she'd prefer strangers every time.

Hanging out with Liz and Dawn didn't appeal any more. Their lives were too different and she could no longer pretend that they had anything in common. When they complained about their parents and siblings, she felt like telling them they had no idea what a really lousy family was. Only pride kept her silent. They wouldn't understand, and the last thing she wanted was their pity.

The only friend she felt comfortable talking to was Duane. He had a healing knack of finding the funny side of his own ongoing family gong show. Talking to him helped put her problems in perspective. Duane might not be the smartest or best-looking guy in her class, but his survival skills were tops. It helped to lighten the load when they laughed together at the pain that would otherwise drive them to tears.

On the last weekend of July, Candace came home with a fat pocketful of change from her share of the evening's tip money, and reached for the jar she kept on her dresser. It was her habit to dump change into it until there was enough to roll and take to the bank.

The jar was empty.

She stood staring at it in bewilderment. The coins had been accumulating for weeks, and she knew the jar had been more than half-full in the morning.

Fury shook her. Still holding the jar, she strode down the hall to the master bedroom, slammed the door open and slapped on the light.

"You jerk. You stole my money!"

Luke cursed and dragged a pillow over his eyes. Her mother sat up, dishevelled and blinking. "Candace! Turn that light off. What are you raving about?"

"Luke. Stole. My. Money." Candace thrust the jar out and shook it. "See? Empty. There must have been 50 bucks in here this morning. Now it's gone. That slimeball swiped it right out of my room."

"Oh, don't be silly. Luke wouldn't do a thing like that."

"Yeah?" Candace was too angry for caution. "You're so blind stupid about him, you have no idea what he would do." She strode to the bed and glowered down at Luke. "I want my money back!"

Luke rolled over and yawned. "Tough. You aren't getting it back. Now go to bed and stop being a baby."

"You admit you stole it!" Candace shot a triumphant look at her mother, who was staring at her boyfriend with blank surprise.

"Oh for -. The car needed washing and I was short of change. You drive it too. I assumed you'd be willing to contribute a little change to keep it looking half decent. I shoulda known you're such a spoiled brat, you just expect your mother and I to - "

"It doesn't take 50 bucks to wash a car! What did you do with the rest?"

He shrugged. "The gas tank was low."

He was lying. The smirk on his face taunted her. Candace's touchy temper exploded. In blunt and blazing terms, she told him what she thought of him.

"Candace, that's enough! You do not talk to your stepfather like that." Her mother flung herself out from under the covers and reached for the cigarettes on the dresser. She lit one with trembling hands. "It drives me crazy, all this fighting. Luke does his best to be a good husband and dad to us, and all you do is whine, complain and - and make stupid accusations."

Candace's heart turned to stone. "You're blaming me? This snot rag steals two weeks of tip money from me, and I'm the bad guy here?"

"All right, he shouldn't have taken your money without asking. But it won't kill you to buy a tank of gas for the car now and then." Her mother blew out a long cloud of smoke on a sigh. Her face looked drained and far too old for her years. "Can't you try - just try - to get along with Luke?" She smiled sadly. "You were such a sweet kid when you were little. Now I hardly recognize you. You're so bitter and angry all the time."

"Maybe I wouldn't be bitter if Luke didn't - "

"Candace." Her mother said it quietly, but there was no missing the finality in her voice.

"Fine." Candace swallowed down the ache in her throat. "If I'm such a pain, you'll be better off without me. God knows I don't want to ruin your domestic bliss with Old Sticky Fingers here. I'll go live with Dad and wreck his life instead."

"Oh, Candy." Her mother sounded immeasurably tired. "Don't start - "

But Candace was already on her way out the bedroom door. She spent the rest of the night packing, slamming things into her cases, her heart pounding painfully in her chest.

Her father looked stunned when she showed up on his doorstep early the next morning, a suitcase in each hand. For one awful moment, she thought he would turn her away.

"I'm sorry. It just isn't a good time for you to move in with us." Her dad ran a hand through his hair, his face troubled, as she finished pouring out her story at the kitchen table . "Jenn and I, well, things aren't great for us right now." He grimaced. "She's having a rough time at work, and our boys - let's just say that they're at a difficult age. I don't think it would be fair to dump a teenage girl on her as well."

"Dad." Candace had to fight to keep from begging. "I can't go back to Mom's. Don't you understand?"

"I didn't say you should go back." He gave her an awkward hug before releasing her even more awkwardly. "Look, I wish you could stay here, but it wouldn't be great for you, either. Let me make a couple of calls. I have some friends - maybe one of them would rent you a room."

The rest of the summer, Candace rode the buses a lot. Her dad lived across town from her old neighbourhood and the store and restaurant where she worked. The place he found for her to stay was even farther away. Her landlords were an older couple and ok, although kind of fussy. She wasn't allowed to have friends visit and had to keep her music turned down to whisper level, but at least they fed her well and there wasn't any quarrelling in the house. It wasn't much, but it was better than home.

When her mother came to see her at the restaurant, Candace hesitated before she asked the manager if she could take a quick break. She grabbed a couple of coffees and they went outside to talk.

"Candace, this is silly. Why don't you come home?"

"You know why." Candace bit back the rest of the words on the tip of her tongue. Reminding her mom of Luke's faults was as useless as beating her head against a brick wall. She just hurt herself. Nothing ever got through her mother's impenetrable barrier of denial.

"I want you back. I miss my girl." Her mom reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze. "I've talked to Luke. He still thinks you should help pay for the costs of the car, but he understands you need to decide when to do so yourself. As long as you buy a tank of gas each month, he won't say any more. And Craig will be paying for his own gas too, so you can't say you're being picked on."

Candace was stunned. Her mom still thought this was all about a lousy tank of gas. Didn't she see that the real problem was Luke's creepy two-faced behaviour?

Candace agreed finally to go home. It was a pain riding the bus across town to work from her dad's place in the summer. The ride to school in winter would be worse. She could surely avoid Luke for two more years until she graduated.

Three times that school year, she took refuge at her dad's place. It wasn't great sleeping on his couch and putting up with her stepbrothers, but sometimes she desperately needed a break from the tension between her stepfather and herself. The simmering anger she couldn't shake came out in defiance. She found ways to irritate her mother's boyfriend as much as he harassed her. Their battles were hard on her mom, but Candace couldn't stop. If she let Luke win, her last shreds of self-respect would be gone.

Knowing that he liked women to be cute and feminine, Candace went out of her way to look tough and ugly. She kept most of her hair close-shaved and dyed the rest strident colours, had several body parts pierced, and went Goth in her makeup. Luke threatened to kick her out of "his" house and cut off her rights to use "his" car if she didn't quit looking like a freak. Candace dug out the lease with her mother's name on it, made a dozen copies and taped them in every room of the house. That made him furious, so she copied the car registration, also in her mother's name, and put copies of that up too.

Things went downhill from there.

She came home from school on the last day of classes to find everything she owned packed up and sitting on the front step.

"You're going to your father's." Her mother jabbed out her cigarette in an ashtray piled high with butts. "I'm sorry, Candace, but I've had enough. Maybe if you and Luke aren't living in the same place, you might be able to get along."

"You could kick Luke out instead." Candace was curious to find how little it hurt, being put out with the garbage. She wasn't even surprised much. Her mother had made it clear long ago where her loyalty lay. "The way he treats you - I'll never understand why you put up with him."

"Sometimes I wonder too." Her mother smiled bitterly. "Don't look so surprised. You think I don't see his faults, but I do. It's just - ." She sighed. "I'm in love with him. He's my man and I have to stand by him, no matter what."

She lit another cigarette and exhaled, her eyes misting. "Someday you'll be lucky enough to find a man you truly love. Then you'll understand why I threw away my future to be with your father, and why I stick by Luke now. Love isn't just for the good times. It's forever and always."

It was all Candace could do not to roll her eyes. Could her mother not hear what drivel she was spouting? It didn't even make sense, given her divorce.

There was no point arguing. Her mother needed to believe in her sugar-coated fantasy. She wasn't going to face reality anytime soon, and certainly not for Candace's sake.

"Fine." Candace rose from the table. "Well. I'll see you - sometime, I guess."

"There's no reason to rush off. Luke will be back from the store with the car in a few minutes. He'll be happy to drive you to your dad's."

Candace laughed. "I bet he would! Thanks, but I'd rather crawl across town over broken glass than give him the pleasure." She reached for the phone. "I'll take a cab."

It was OK living at her dad's, but far from great. Her step-brothers had to double up to free a room for her and were openly resentful. Her stepmother wasn't exactly unfriendly, but she became tight-lipped and sour-faced whenever Candace was around.

Her dad did his best to act as though everything was fine and his family delighted to have her living with them. The strain of maintaining that lie was so obvious, it was embarrassing. At night, she heard arguments through the bedroom walls about why they had to take her in and how long her stepmother was going to have to "put up with her".

It was a rock-bottom low point in her life. Candace decided it needed to be marked in some suitably symbolic way. In the books of patterns in a tattoo parlour, she found one that seemed to illustrate everything she was feeling. Getting the tattoo was so painful, it brought a flood of helpless tears to her eyes. That was good, too.

In the fall, Candace switched to a school nearer to her dad's house for the Grade 13 year which would prepare her for university.

It was a bigger school and more downtown in both location and attitude. Coming into the class so late, it was hard to break into the established cliques and make friends. Candace barely tried. Being a loner was nothing new for her, and in some ways it was easier not to have to deal with the hassle of relationships. At least in this school she wasn't the only girl with a shaved head, and black lipstick and multiple piercings were too common to cause comment.

With little social life to distract her, Candace settled into her studies. Good marks were important to get into university, and hers had slipped during the past two years of distractions. She was more determined than ever to get out of Milborough and make a life on her own terms. Her schedule settled into a steady round of sleep, school and the part-time job she found at a burger joint. The months passed and her marks and bank account rose. Even her stepmother eased off once she realized that Candace was hardly ever in the house with them.

The only old friend she kept in touch with was Duane. It was weird how their lives continued to run in parallel. He had been kicked out of his home too, for an even more bizarre reason. Over the years, he had had his nose, ears and tongue pierced, and his parents had never objected. But when he came home with a nipple ring, his mom totally freaked. She seemed to think it made him some kind of pervert.

Duane being Duane, he hadn't stormed off in a huff when his mom told him to get out. He'd just gathered up his computer and clothes and moved into the family garage. Apparently that was far enough away to keep the rest of the family from being contaminated, because his mom didn't throw him out of there.

After venting about their families, Duane and Candace talked about the better times to come once they were at university and away from their nut-job parents. Laughing so hard that it left them breathless, they agreed that there was only one possible career for them both.



Candace applied to four universities and was accepted into three. She decided to enrol in the largest, where the psychology program was well-known and the excitement of big-city life would be all around for the taking. Instead, she found herself mailing her acceptance to the smallest of the three, Nipissing University in North Bay. All it had taken was one warm, welcoming and slightly goofy letter from Aunt Ruby, who still owned her little store in the town, encouraging Candace to come "where there's family to keep an eye on you", and she gave up her plans for big city living and headed north.

Her mother was delighted, certain that Candace's aunt would welcome her with open arms. Candace wasn't about to get her hopes up. Her own mother and father were glad to be rid of her. What were the chances an aunt she hadn't seen for years was going to care? The only thing she was going to expect from her stay in North Bay was an education.

As she trudged from the bus stop to the residence where she would be living, groups of students laughed and chattered around her and shouted greetings across the campus. She seemed to be the only one who didn't know another soul. Loneliness was dragging at her when she reached the door of the residence suite she would be sharing. She shook it off. Once she was in her own space and had a chance to inhale the cigarette she had been craving, she wouldn't feel so much like Little Orphan Annie. Laughing at her own foolishness, she opened the door.



Candace had to fight back the urge to grab her old school friend and hug her breathless. It was wonderful to see someone she knew.

Liz didn't look as thrilled to see her. That hurt some, but Candace shrugged it off. She was cool, no matter what anyone else thought of her. It wasn't a new experience, knowing someone wasn't crazy about having to live with her.



When Liz left her room, Candace wondered if she had been oversensitive. Probably Liz was feeling lost too, so far from her family and friends. Candace left her unpacking half-done and went to Liz' room to make amends.



The weeks went by in a rush of new classes, new people, new everything. Candace hit the books hard at first then relaxed as she realized that university wasn't going to be as tough as she had feared. Her courses were more interesting than in high school, there was more debate and discussion, and discipline was largely self-imposed. That suited her fine. Her classmates were mostly okay too. Sitting in the back of the classrooms, she met a lot of the more interesting people. She didn't get too cozy with any, but there were a few she shared laughs with as well as an occasional beer.

She and Liz gradually settled into a routine. It was a challenge at times, since Liz was way too anal. She fussed about keeping the apartment neat, nagged Candace about her smoking, and went into panic attacks over every exam and assignment. If there was anything Candace had learned in life, it was not to sweat the small stuff. She did her best to get Liz to lighten up and develop some perspective, but that was obviously not going to happen. The girl was born to fret.



Candace put off calling her Aunt Ruby for the first few days. Getting settled in, learning the campus, adapting to her new routine; she really didn't have time. The days stretched into weeks. She knew she was being chicken, but couldn't quite bring herself to make the call. Her childhood memories of her aunt were so happy; she dreaded ruining them with a disappointing grown-up reality.

One day in mid-November, Aunt Ruby settled the matter by calling her. They talked for an hour, and Candace enjoyed every minute of it. Her aunt was even warmer and funnier than she remembered. At the end of the call, she knew the time for excuses was over. It was time to meet her aunt again.







Candace didn't take criticism lightly from anyone, but somehow it didn't bother her when Aunt Ruby got on her case. At least she was forthright, and there was no meanness there, only a caring interest that seemed surprisingly genuine.





Candace didn't mention her parents, and neither did Aunt Ruby. But her aunt seemed to have a pretty accurate idea of the situation. She invited Candace to stay with her for the Christmas holidays.

Ruby let on that Candace would be doing her a huge favour by helping out in the store during the busy holiday season. It was a diplomatic way to save Candace's pride, and Candace loved her for it. Neither of them mentioned the fact that Candace had nowhere else to go. Neither of her parents had invited her home for the holidays.

For the first time in years, Christmas was fun. They were busy in the store right through the last-minute rush on Christmas Eve. Their celebration the next day was simple: a small roast turkey, potatoes, vegetables, and a fantastic pumpkin pie which Aunt Ruby had somehow found time to bake. Afterward, Candace munched on candy canes from the sale bin in the store while her aunt sipped tea, and the two of them talked.

It had been years since Candace been able to talk to anyone freely and without reserve. Once she got started, it was hard to stop. When she finally wound down, she was embarrassed at how whiny and negative she must seem. Aunt Ruby didn't seem the slightest bit perturbed.

"When you've got an abscessed tooth, it has to be opened up and the infection let out or sooner or later it'll kill you. The kind of poison that builds up here," Ruby tapped her head, "it's no different. Get it out, and you can deal with it. Keep it bottled up, it'll keep festering. Whenever you need to, honey, you talk to me. "

It was amazing how much it helped, being able to open up about all the hurts and resentment which had troubled her so long. Aunt Ruby was a restful listener, sympathetic but never sappy, and her few questions were direct and thoughtful. Candace decided that her psychology profs could learn a lot from Ruby.

By the time she went back to her room at the residence, Candace had given up her Goth make-up and had decided to let her hair grow out. It was time to get comfortable in her own skin and accept who she was. She didn't need to hide behind the tough facade any more.

Having opened up to Aunt Ruby, she found it easier to talk to Liz as well. Like her aunt, her roommate was a good listener.





When the academic year ended, Candace moved into her aunt's place for the summer. There wasn't any discussion about it; that was the way it would be. Her mom wasn't happy about not seeing her all summer. Her dad didn't hide his relief.

"That's great, kiddo! You'll enjoy being up in the lake country for the summer. I wish I could be there with you."

He sounded like he meant it. Candace wondered if the problems in his marriage were getting worse. She was ashamed that she found the thought comforting. It couldn't have been all her fault that her dad and stepmother had fought so much.

She was relieved when her dad offered to help cover her university costs again. He and her mother had each given her a couple of thousand the year before, and she hadn't been sure they could afford to do it again. Fortunately, both of them were eager to help out. She supposed it eased the guilt about their lousy parenting. That was fine by her. If it made them felt better, she was happy to take their money.

The summer went by quickly, working in the corner store. Candace lightened her hair to match her mood and let a couple of piercings grow in. She still didn't mix much with people her own age, although there were a couple of good-looking guys who came into the store regularly and were fun to flirt with. She was tempted by one of them, a charmer named Eric, but decided he wasn't her type. On reflection, she realized that she wasn't sure anymore what "her type" was. It had been a long time since any guy had appealed to her enough for her to be interested in anything more than a casual fling.

She and Liz chatted online now and then, and agreed to room together again in the fall. It made sense since they got along so well, despite not being much alike. When September arrived, Candace found herself looking forward to seeing her old "roomy" again.



They caught up on their respective news over supper. Liz had broken up with Anthony. Candace wasn't surprised. From what she remembered, Liz' whole history with Anthony had been one long roller coaster ride of making up and breaking up. It was weird how Liz didn't seem to be able to let him go once and for all.



When Eric, the good-looking guy she had met at the store, told her he had seen Liz on campus and would like to meet her, Candace decided this might be just what her roommate needed. One night when Liz headed out to the Laundromat, Candace gave Eric a call. She wouldn't set them up, but there was no harm in making sure they met.



Sure enough, Liz came back from the Laundromat with stars in her eyes and minus the laundry she had forgotten in her excitement. She and Eric starting dating the next weekend, and were soon a couple. Liz became so infatuated, all her talk was Eric, Eric, Eric.

It was annoying. Worse, it made Candace feel her own loneliness. She decided it was time to risk getting into the dating scene herself. One of her Psych instructors was tall, craggy and had more than a passing resemblance to Herman Munster. In spite of his odd looks, he had a self-confidence and humorous charm that appealed to her. The next time she attended one of his lectures, Candace walked up to the front after class and asked him out for coffee. Her boldness seemed to surprise him, but he agreed.

The coffee date was fun, and later he asked her out. After two very enjoyable dates, Candace was beginning to think she might finally have found a guy who was right for her. Then he informed her, with off-handed casualness, that he was married. "Not that it matters." He beamed at her. "Humans are naturally polygamous. The whole idea of marriage is nonsense. Superior individuals should select one another and reproduce, for the good of the species. It's our evolutionary imperative." He reached for her hand and squeezed it. "A smart girl like you, I know you understand."

She understood, all right. Her hot coffee tipped over into his genetically superior lap, and she took the bus back to res.

After that, Candace gave up the idea of dating. She had obviously inherited her mother's lousy taste in men. It was less complicated to do her socializing at the pub or parties than getting into some mess of a relationship. With Christmas approaching and an urgent need to burn off steam, she set about partying with enthusiasm.

Once again, she matched her hair colour to her mood, dying it bright, don't-give-a-damn Christmas green.

By the time the term ended, she was ready to settle into a more sedate life at Aunt Ruby's for the holidays. It was a comfortable time, working in the store and sharing tea and laughs at night. With Christmas over, Candace tried to dye her hair back to blonde. It came out a hideous lime green. Aunt Ruby laughed herself silly - then helped dye her hair again. This time they took no chances on the colour.



The spring term was a tough one. Up until then, her courses had been interesting and good marks came with little effort. Now everything seemed harder and she was overwhelmed with assignments. Perhaps because her eyes had been opened by her bitter experience with one instructor, she found herself more cynical about all of them and less tolerant of their eccentricities.

Worse, she had lost enthusiasm for Psychology in general. She couldn't help wondering how much good she really could do with her degree in such a screwed-up world. Stories of Psych majors working as salesmen and burger-flippers after graduation didn't help restore her confidence. Was there anything waiting for her at the end of the road?

Doubt, her sliding marks and the long, cold winter combined to put her in a touchy mood. When Liz got on her case about smoking, Candace was not about to take it.



It seemed like forever until the term ended. As well as her school work, she worried about Aunt Ruby, who had health problems and was finding it difficult to work the long hours in the store. Candace felt she should be helping her more, but Ruby refused to allow it. She knew Candace was already finding it tough to keep her marks up.

When her last exam was done, Candace moved out of res and back to Ruby's with relief and regret. Relief, because she could finally take some of the load off her aunt, and regret because she and Liz would not be rooming together again in the fall. Liz had decided to move in with Eric.

That had been a surprise. Liz wasn't the type to do anything to upset her family. Candace was sure that this co-habitation would not be welcome news back on Sharon Park Drive. She herself didn't have any problem with unmarried couples living together, but it did bother her to know that Eric had such a hold over Liz that he could persuade her to do something so out of character.

Liz and Candace marked their last day together by cleaning out all the leftovers in the fridge, including two half-bottles of wine and a carton of ice cream. With a few laughs and a hug, and they went their separate ways for the summer.

When her marks arrived, Candace was shocked to find her average had fallen from an A to a B. Her exams hadn't gone well, but she hadn't expected so much of a drop. It made her even more uncertain about her future.

As she brooded about her situation, she wished she could talk to Duane again. The two of them had e-mailed a few times in first year, but Duane wasn't great at writing and the conversation had dwindled into silence. Candace hadn't heard from him for months. On impulse, she picked up the phone.

Duane sounded great, very upbeat and delighted to hear from her, but his news was surprising. He had done OK in his first year Psych courses, but while dating a classmate (who was taking her Bachelor of Nursing), he decided that her career choice appealed more than his own. He was now enrolled in the nursing program, and loving it. Laughing, he told Candace that she probably wouldn't recognize him now if she met him on the street. He had given up his radical styles and looked boringly normal.

It was a great conversation, but it left Candace more doubtful than ever about her own career plans. She took a rare half-day off from Ruby's on Friday and went to see Liz at the big-box grocery store where she was working for the summer.



Liz was sympathetic. She admitted to having second thoughts about her plans to be a teacher, too. It was some comfort to Candace to know that she wasn't the only one with doubts about her future, but that didn't help her decide what to do.

Liz' coffee break was too short to finish talking things out. Liz invited Candace to come to her and Eric's new apartment after work. Candace was glad to accept. She was curious to see their place, and even more interested in seeing how Liz and Eric's relationship was developing. She was picking up some vibes that things weren't perfect.



They hadn't been in the apartment five minutes before Liz and Eric were arguing over a long list of housework that Eric hadn't done. Candace rolled her eyes, undecided as to who she sympathised with more. It wasn't fair for Eric to weasel out of doing his share, but she knew how annoying Liz' fussing could be. She was glad to leave them to their squabbling and accept their roommate, Rudy's offer of a soft drink in the living room.



Liz hadn't been too complimentary about Rudy, but he impressed Candace. The more they talked, the more she felt that his sincerity was bone-deep. He might be a little rough around the edges, but there was nothing wrong with Rudy's brains. He was perceptive and shrewd as well as generous, and had a sense of humour that cut through the crap without ever being mean.



In spite of Candace's low mood, Rudy soon had her laughing. He reminded her of Duane, with his talent for putting the world's troubles into healing perspective. The fact that he obviously found her attractive didn't hurt either. She hadn't realized how much she was craving male company. When Rudy asked if he could treat her to a pizza, she was glad to accept. She was almost sorry when Liz and Eric joined them.



They went from the pizza parlour to a bar with a dance floor and had a great time at both. Afterwards, Liz and Eric returned to the apartment, while Candace and Rudy went on to an all-night coffee shop. They lingered over their lattés and talked for hours.

"Do you get the feeling we've known each other forever?" Rudy smiled at her across the table.

"You too?" Candace laughed. "It's weird. Maybe we met in another life or something."

"I vote for 'something.'" He fiddled with his coffee cup. "How about tomorrow? Can I see you again?"

"Yes." Candace didn't bother playing hard-to-get. With Rudy, nothing but honesty seemed right. "Come to Aunt Roos' store tomorrow afternoon. I want her to meet you."

It added to her admiration of Rudy that the prospect of being interrogated by her aunt made his eyes light with pleasure. "I'd like that!" Amazing as it was, she reflected, he probably would.

When summer ended, Candace didn't return to university. Instead, she stayed on at the store. Her aunt had finally given up arguing with her doctor and agreed to the surgery she had needed for years. It made Candace's decision to take a break from university easy. Taking care of her aunt's livelihood while she recovered was more important than going on with an education that might not be what she wanted in the end.

Her relationship with Rudy deepened over the months in a comfortable and satisfying way. There was no talk of taking it to the next step; neither of them wanted anything more. Rudy rarely talked about himself, and it wasn't until she met his younger sister that Candace discovered his home life had been no better than hers. According to his sister, Rudy had been her rock; the one who walked her to school, helped with her homework and made sure she had enough to eat. Their parents had been too preoccupied with their own troubles.

His unhappy home life was reason enough that Rudy was no more interested in marriage than she was. It was also the reason he cherished the comfort of their relationship as much as she did.



She found it ironic that now she was the one going with the nice guy while Liz was hung up on a good-looking dud. It was a complete turn-about from their situations in high school. Candace regretted the small part she had played in getting Eric and Liz together. She did her best to undo the damage, but without any luck.



When it came to Eric, Liz had her head stuck firmly in the sand. It was Candace's mother all over again.

Aunt Ruby's surgery went well. By the end of November she was back at work in the store and feeling better than she had for years. Candace was relieved. After a term away from university, she was eager to get back to classes again in January. The time off had been just what was needed to reassure her that she was on the right track with her courses.

"Candy, is that you?" The voice on the phone sounded tearful. "I haven't heard from you in so long, I hardly know your voice anymore!"

"Mom." Candace was irritated with herself for feeling guilty. After all, her mother hadn't called her for months either. "It's cool to hear from you. What's up?"

"I want you to come home for Christmas. Will you?"

Candace's heart fell. She had been looking forward to Christmas dinner with Rudy and her aunt - with a sappy seasonal movie and popcorn to follow. "Well, I - I'm not sure. Aren't you and Luke going to be away this year?"

It had been their excuse the previous year for not wanting her home. Luke had talked her mother into going to Las Vegas for Christmas.

"We were planning on it. But now Luke tells me we can't afford to go. If I have to be home, I want you here too. It just wouldn't be Christmas without my little girl." Her voice trailed off into a tearful sniff.

Candace's skin prickled with unease. Something was wrong. Her mother was never weepy, and she hadn't called her "Candy" for years. If Luke had reduced her to this ...

"OK. Don't cry, mom. I'll be home on the 22nd. All right? We'll talk then."



It was even harder leaving Rudy than she had expected. If there had been anything to look forward to back in Milborough, it might have been easier. But despite her best efforts, Candace couldn't look forward to the holiday with anything but dread.

There was no one to meet her at the bus terminal in Milborough.



She caught a ride to her mom's house with Liz and her brother, and arrived to find her mother anxiously awaiting her.

"Luke decided at the last minute to take the car to work today. I hope you don't mind." Her mother hugged her fiercely. "Oh sweetie, I'm so glad to see you again!"

Candace's doubts melted with the sincerity of the greeting. There was a new frailty about her mother which touched her, and new worry lines around her eyes that hadn't been there before.

"Come in to the kitchen. There's a fresh pot of coffee, and I made cookies for you. The almond ones. You look so good, Candy! Life in North Bay must agree with you."

They settled at the kitchen table with mugs of coffee and a heaping plate of cookies. Her mother was eager to hear all about Rudy, the store, and Candace's career plans. She applauded her decision to go back to university.

"I know you'll do well, I've never doubted it. You're smart and strong, and so determined. I wish I had half your courage and ambition." Her smile wavered.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Candace reached across the table and clasped her mother's hand. "There's something, I know it. Is Luke being -"

"No!" Her mother jerked upright. "Don't you dare say anything against your stepfather! You haven't been in the door five minutes and already you're trying to start trouble. I should have known this was the way it would be."

"I'm not starting anything! It's just that - you look kinda tired and I'm worried - ."

"That's because she's been busting her butt cleaning and baking for your homecoming." Luke sauntered into the kitchen. "It sure is good to know you appreciate it so much."

Stung, Candace snorted. "Hey, it was a great homecoming. Until now."

"Stop it!" Her mother wailed. "Please, please, don't do this."

"Don't worry, honey." Luke patted her mother's shoulder. "Candace and I are just teasing. Aren't we, sweet girl? Come here and give your mean old stepdad a hug."

It made her sick to her stomach, but Candace endured the embrace as long as she could before she jerked away. Luke chuckled, scooped up a handful of cookies, and sauntered out of the room.

"One hug. Couldn't you manage to give him one tiny hug without being unpleasant?" Her mother reached for her cigarettes. "Was that too much to do for my sake?"

"Mom." Candace blew out an angry breath. "That's wasn't just a hug. His hands were all over my ass. I'd like this Christmas to be a good one, too. But not if it means being mauled by some pervert."

It was the beginning of the holiday from hell. Luke had lost none of his skill. He hassled her relentlessly. She knew enough psychology to understand that it wasn't her fault and it wasn't about physical attraction, it was all about control. She had never given in to Luke's attempts to dominate her and he hated her for it.

Rudy urged her to bail as soon as he heard about the situation. "It'll only get worse. Guys like that are serious trouble. Come back, Candace, have Christmas with me."

It was hard to resist, but Candace refused to let Luke drive her away. Her mother fluctuated between fawning over her and being angry with her. This was unfortunately another fantasy of a traditional family Christmas. For her mother's sake, and for her own pride, Candace couldn't bail. She had spent years keeping out of Luke's way; she could survive another few days of his company.

Christmas Day was awful. Luke's son Craig never showed up as he had promised, much to no one's surprise. There were only the three of them to grimly fork down a supper that would have fed twelve while Christmas carols jangled on the radio and a fake fire crackled on TV. Her mother even hung up mistletoe, which Candace hated. Luke used it as an excuse to grab her and force kisses on her that repulsed her. Her mother, predictably, saw nothing wrong. "Oh Candace, for heaven's sake! Your stepdad's just teasing. Where's your sense of humour?"

As soon as Christmas Day was over, the pressure was off. Her mother went back to work for the mad rush of Boxing Day sales and was away each evening. Unfortunately, Luke seemed to be on an extended break from whatever work he supposedly did and was constantly around the house. Candace made herself scarce.

She hunted up Duane, who was home for the holidays, and hung out with him and a few other friends. When all else failed, she hid out at the library and spent a few quiet hours reading. She could hardly wait for New Year's Eve to be over, so she could go back to North Bay and her comfortable life there.

Christmas had been bad. New Year's Eve was a disaster.







It was a short night, by the time she finally managed to fall asleep. Since Liz had been out until early morning as well, they were both pretty quiet the next morning when they caught the bus to North Bay.



Rudy met them at the bus stop, and her aunt had tea and left-over candy canes waiting for her when they arrived back at the store. She was home.



Ugly as the holiday had been, it had at least wiped out the last illusions she had about her mother. It was oddly liberating to realize that her mother would always put her own needs first. Candace, she felt, was therefore entitled to do the same.

Classes started the next week. It was good to be back, and with all uncertainty gone. A career in psychology was right for her. She would not waver again.



Life settled into a busy but enjoyable routine of classes, gatherings with her friends and with Rudy, and occasional Saturdays working at the store. Aunt Ruby was insistent that she focus on her studies instead, but Candace knew she appreciated the help. When classes ended in the spring, she insisted her aunt take some much-needed holiday time while she managed the store a few days. Aunt Roo had done so much for her, it was a pleasure to be able to give back.

When fall came, Candace decided she wanted more freedom and privacy than residence offered. She found a rental house that was perfect for three.



The arrangement worked out well, for the most part. There were inevitably some small problems and irritations to work out, but nothing they couldn't handle.





She and Rudy continued to date. Both of them were busy with their courses, but they found time to be together. It was an easy, pleasant and undemanding relationship. There was nothing she couldn't say to Rudy, and he never took offense. She cherished their relationship above all others and knew he felt the same. It was hard for their friends to understand that it was all they needed.



There were times when they talked, purely hypothetically, about living together. The discussion always ended in the conclusion that the situation was perfect as it was.



As usual, she helped a lot in the store over the Christmas holidays. It was worrying to see that Aunt Ruby seemed tired much too often. She still worked as hard as ever, but some of the snap had gone out of her step and her jokes were less spontaneous. Candace resolved to come by as often as she could, even after school started again, to help with the heavy work of unloading supplies and stocking shelves.



Whenever she could, she brought extra help with her.



They set off back to the house with a pleasurable sense of a job well done. For all Ruby's cheerful independence, she was getting a little more fragile every day. It felt good to be able to help her.



They arrived back at the store to find the door hanging open. With her heart hammering, Candace rushed in.

The sight of Aunt Roo silent and motionless on the floor was the most terrifying moment of Candace's life.

Too stricken to be sensible, she could do nothing but cry out her fear and grief. It was Rudy who took over. He sent Liz to call for help, restrained Candace from moving her aunt, gently brought her out of her panic with calm reassurances that her aunt was alive and the head wound not deep.

He was also the only one able to give police a description of the car they had noticed leaving the scene.

She had always appreciated Rudy's easy-going nature and calm good sense, but held off from making any long-term commitment to him. Life had left her with a deep-rooted fear of putting her happiness into any man's hands. After that night, her doubts were gone.



She found out later that the harrowing experience had done the same for Rudy. In the past, he had worried that her deep-rooted cynicism might keep her from ever giving him the trust and commitment he needed. After seeing how absolute and generous her love was for her aunt, he no longer doubted she could love him as well. It was a major turning point in their relationship.

Candace spent the rest of the school year living with her aunt and riding the bus to the university. It was a pain, but Aunt Ruby needed the company. It was expensive as well, since Candace felt obligated to continue paying her share of the rent at the house, but she didn't mention that to her aunt. Aunt Ruby's nerves were too shattered to allow her to work in the store after dark. Hiring staff for the evening hours cut into her already marginal income. The sooner she could sell the store, the better it would be for everyone.

That summer, Candace and Rudy spent every spare evening and weekend painting, cleaning and fixing, getting the store ready to put on the market. They were dismayed to realize how much needed to be done. There was no way it would be ready to list before September. When Candace admitted that she was dreading the long commute again that fall, Rudy looked at her in surprise.

"Why would you stay at the store? Go live in the house with Liz."

She shook her paint brush at him in irritation. "I can't leave Aunt Roo alone here. You know that."

"I didn't mean 'you', singular. I meant 'you', plural. You and Aunt Roo. With Anita moving out, there's room enough in the house now for both of you."

Candace's brush froze on the wall she was painting. "Rudy! Wow, that's such a good idea." She thought swiftly. "But Aunt Roo would have to commute back to the store to keep it open until she sells it. It would be too much of a nuisance for her."

"Yeah? Ask her if she thinks it would be too much of a nuisance. It's obvious this place still gives her the creeps. I bet she jumps at the chance to get out of it." He cast a critical eye over the shelving he was repairing. "It would give her more company, too. She and Liz get along great, there wouldn't be any problem there."

As usual, Rudy was right. Aunt Roo's face lit up when Candace made the suggestion. She raised objections later, but Candace had seen her relief too clearly to let her back out.



Candace was touched and grateful when Liz suggested they charge Aunt Roo minimum rent and cover the rest between them. It made all the difference to her aunt, who was struggling with the cost of renovations on top of hiring help to run the store in the evenings.

Not only was Liz helping with Ruby's rent in spite of her own tight budget, but she never made the older woman feel that she was imposing in any way. Candace resolved that somehow, some time, she would repay Liz for her generosity.



It was her aunt who came up with a suggestion as Christmas neared. Although finances were still tight, sales at the store had been good during the season and Ruby felt that she could spare a little to return Liz' kindness. Besides, Liz had become almost as much a niece to her as Candace.



Early in the new year, the young couple from Bangladesh who had been working part-time evenings in the store offered to lease it from Ruby, with an option to buy later if things worked out. Ruby agreed, and happily set about teaching them the ins and outs of managing the store.

Candace was relieved, both for her aunt and herself. For the first time since coming to North Bay, she was free to find part-time work other than helping out in the store. She and Rudy had been talking for some time of a trip to Europe to celebrate graduation, and it was time she started putting some money away if there was any hope of getting there.

With the help of one of her professors, she found a job with Children's Aid, doing office work two days a week. The work itself was boring, but the cases were interesting and it was a good place to make contacts for the future.

In May, months earlier than expected, the young couple leasing Ruby's store took their option to buy it. The sale went through quickly.

To Candace's surprise, her aunt insisted on paying her and Rudy something for the hours they had worked on fixing up the store. Candace was determined to refuse the money, but Rudy argued otherwise.

"Your aunt's a proud woman. She would hate to feel like a charity case. This way it's just a matter of helping each other out."

It was true. It gave Aunt Roo so much pleasure, knowing that she was helping them to their dream vacation, that it would have been unkind to refuse the money.



Neither of Candace's parents showed up for her graduation. She told herself that she didn't care, had never expected them to be there. Aunt Roo was in the audience, beaming with pride, and Rudy whistled and clapped his approval as Candace received her diploma. She didn't need anyone else.

It still hurt, though, when Liz talked of "going home" for the summer, and even more when the Pattersons drove all the way to North Bay to help their daughter move. Candace's mother had sent her a card.



Since Ruby was buying the house they had been renting, Candace had little packing to do. She left all her furniture and household supplies for her aunt and boxed up her winter clothes and a few books to put into storage.

She and Rudy left for Europe early in July, once they had enough money saved and Aunt Roo was comfortably settled into her new home. As the plane soared to cruising altitude and swung north-east, Candace saw the tiny grid of streets and roads that was Milborough slide by beneath its wings. From 30,000 feet up, it looked so insignificant. She watched as it shrank smaller and smaller into the distance, then vanished behind them. Elation surged in her, so heady and unexpected that she laughed out loud.

For so many years she had wanted nothing more than to escape her hometown and the pain that had caged her there. Now it was done. The bonds of guilt were broken and would never constrain her again. Even the most bitter wounds, ones that had cut to the bone, had healed. Old scars were fading. Time, and love, had done the trick. In every way that counted, Milborough was behind her.

Candace settled back into her seat with a smile. This was the first day of a new beginning. She had her degree safely in hand and was off to places she had never been before, adventures she had only dreamt of. Best of all, her lover and best friend was there beside her to share it all. It was more than she had ever hoped for.

* * * *

Candace and Rudy are still together. After an eventful six months of backpacking in Europe, they returned to Ontario. Both managed to find work in Toronto, as well as a little gem of an apartment overlooking a tiny park a short subway ride from the centre of the city. Their neighbourhood is vibrant and multi-ethnic and they have become very much a part of it. Candace works in a Youth Centre as a counsellor, and although the caseload is heavy and occasionally traumatic, she finds her job both interesting and satisfying. Candace and Rudy work with a few other neighbours on a small community garden. She finds it helpful to bring the teenagers she works with there too. Some of her best counselling has been done over shovelfuls of manure.

Rudy is now topping up his Computer Science degree with more advanced technology courses at the University of Toronto which he hopes will eventually help him earn a CIO position. He also volunteers with a Neighbourhood Watch organization and at the local YMCA. After a few years of trying out every one of the many ethnic restaurants in their neighbourhood, Rudy has become an avid cook. He often treats Candace to his unique and adventurous experiments in "fusion cuisine". She has learned to keep a few cans of pork 'n beans in the cupboard for those times when 'fusion' becomes 'feh'.

While Rudy and Candace are fully committed to one another, there is no talk of marriage. Since they are legally common-law partners, they don't see the need. Besides, after watching Liz and other friends go through the hassle of wedding plans, Candace is happy to forgo that particular privilege. Rudy is eager to have children, and after much discussion, they have agreed to start a family in the next year or two. Both are nervous about their abilities to be good parents. Candace is especially so. She intends to read every book every written on the subject before their first baby is born. One thing is for certain, though ... she's learned how to love.